


Finding Solace

by GhostInTheBAU



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Canon-Typical Violence, Dark, Drug Abuse, M/M, Minor Original Character(s), Physical Abuse, Psychological Trauma, Rape Aftermath, Rape/Non-con Elements, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, all the angst!, not a happy fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-29
Updated: 2016-09-23
Packaged: 2018-08-11 21:34:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,635
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7908391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GhostInTheBAU/pseuds/GhostInTheBAU
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the Mr. Scratch case, Aaron's having trouble coming to terms with what he saw while drugged.  He can't get the sight of Spencer Reid lying dead on the ground out of his head.  Will his downward spiral lead to dire consequences for those he holds most dear, or will he be able to pick up the pieces and turn his life around?  AU after Mr. Scratch, 10x21.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. To Know You're Alive

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by [DarkJediQueen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkJediQueen/pseuds/DarkJediQueen) in the [profilers_anon](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/profilers_anon) collection. 



> So, this is my first Criminal Minds fic. Actually, it's my first attempt at writing fanfiction of any kind. I've read a lot of fanfiction, but I thought I'd give writing it a try. Please, let me know what you think! I'm quite nervous about putting this out there. 
> 
> Also, I have no idea where this came from. It started as a one shot but the words just kept flowing out so it's now a multi chapter story. I have the entire thing written, so it will be completed. This is not a happy story. The poor boys are pretty broken. I guess I needed more angst in my life because this story has it all. Actually, writing this was quite cathartic lol. Just remember, the real Spencer and Aaron are safe and happy in Quantico!
> 
> This story was inspired by The Angst War prompt over at Profilers Anonymous. 
> 
> I used italics to show a character's thoughts and to signal a flashback. I hope it's not confusing for anyone.
> 
> This has not been beta read. All mistakes are my own. 
> 
> Oh, and I don't own Criminal Minds or its characters.....unfortunately.

 

**_“Your memory is a monster; it summons with will of its own.  You think you have a memory, but it has you.”_ **

**_-John Irving_ **

 

Spencer looked down at his trembling hands as he slowly unfurled his fingers from their iron grip.  He let out a strangled sob as he caught a glimpse of the item that lay in his palm. 

This was his lifeline….his salvation. 

Or maybe it was his road to ruin….his descent into darkness. 

Either way, he believed it would be his escape. 

Spencer clung to the vial in his hand, marveling at the seductive liquid it held within. 

Dilaudid. 

He was captivated by the drug he'd tried so desperately to stay away from. This mixture of chemicals had almost destroyed his life once before.  But now the genius feared that the drug might be the only option he had left to try and save it. 

He didn’t know how it had happened. 

No…that wasn’t entirely true. 

He had an idea of how it had happened…..

 

_Last night…._

_“How are you feeling, Aaron?” Spencer asked, his voice calm and even.  Aaron was sitting on the couch, Spencer on the chair across from the coffee table in their living room._

_His lover had been withdrawn lately, ever since Peter Lewis had drugged him.  He’d witnessed his team gunned down; he’d witnessed Spencer gunned down.  Sure, Aaron knew that it was a hallucination now, but in the moment he had been petrified that his whole world was crashing down around him, threatening to take him down as well.  He’d prayed for it, actually._

_When Aaron realized it had not been real, he was flooded with emotions of relief but he still could not get the pictures of his colleagues out of his mind.  They were more than coworkers, they were his family.  He couldn’t get the images of his family lying bloody and dead out of his mind._

_It was like he had Spencer’s fucking eidetic memory._

_When the recollections were too much for him, Aaron would dull them by indulging in a drink.  He’d say it would just be one, but one would turn into two, two into three….before he knew it he would be drunk and the pain and visions would dim for a while._

_But they always came back._

_“I’m fine, Spencer.”  He’d already had a few glasses of Jim and was_ _feeling more relaxed, loose._

_Maybe he’d had more than a few._

_Spencer looked to his partner.  He was stoic as ever, yet the genius noticed a fire in his eyes.  “You don’t look fine.  Please, Aaron, open up to me.  Let me know how I can help you.”_

_“Spencer, I don’t want to talk right now.  Right now, I just want to forget.  I just want to let go.”  He narrowed his eyes as he took in the worried expression on his lean lover.  “I want to let go with you.  I want to feel you.”_

_Spencer knew this was just another substitution, like the drinking, for Aaron to avoid talking about his feelings.  He was a man of action, after all, but sex wasn’t going to fix this situation.  Alcohol wasn’t going to fix it, either.  He knew Aaron knew this._

_“Aaron, I don’t think that’s a good idea right now—“_

_Suddenly, Aaron was right in front of Spencer’s chair.  He grabbed the younger man and pulled him into his arms, kissing him with a feverish need.  He had to feel Spencer, to know he was still alive and with him; that they were both alive._

_Spencer gave into the kiss, wrapping his arms around the elder man’s neck and carding his fingers through the dark locks of his hair.  He would give him this kiss, this reprieve from the present for just a moment._

_Aaron opened his mouth and licked at Spencer’s lips asking for entrance.  When it was allowed, he deepened the kiss, his tongue entering his lover’s mouth as he savored the taste of him.  Spencer moaned at the intrusion, allowing his own tongue to fight for dominance in their heated dance._

_That’s when it all went terribly wrong._

_Aaron wanted…..no….._ needed _to take Spencer.  He demanded to feel every inch of him and fill him to excess with his essence.  He needed to know they were alive.  He pushed Spencer down to the ground, forcefully, and straddled his knees pinning him to the floor.  The sudden movement stunned the lithe man for a moment before he came back to his senses._

_“Aaron, wh-what are you doing?” Spencer asked, a bit of shock evident in the small tremor of his voice.  He took in a breath and calmed his nerves, “Stop.  This isn’t the time for this.  We need to talk about things, not push them under the rug and pretend like nothing’s wrong.”_

_The older man began nuzzling at his lover’s neck, breathing in his scent and slowly raking his teeth up to the other man’s jaw line._

_“Please, Aaron, stop this…” Spencer pleaded as tears began to well up in his eyes threatening to be released._

_Aaron rose up just enough to look into Spencer’s hazel orbs.  He put a finger over the doctor’s lips to silence him, leaned down to his ear and whispered, “Shhh, Love.  I just need to know you’re alive.”  With that he gently traced his fingers down the young genius’ slender neck, chest, and stomach until they arrived at his waist._

_He then proceeded to unbuckle Spencer’s belt._

_The doctor’s body trembled beneath the unwanted touch._

_……………….._

Spencer came out of the memory as a shiver flowed through his body.

Last night had not been a good night. 

After it was over, Aaron had fallen asleep on the couch content in knowing his lover was alive and well.  Spencer was left feeling like he was dying inside.

This morning, Aaron had acted like nothing was wrong.  It was like he was pretending it didn’t even happen.  It shocked the genius just how ok Aaron seemed to be concerning his actions from last night.  Spencer, with his damned memory, couldn’t just pretend everything was fine.  He couldn’t get the image of his lover looming over him out of his head.

Aaron’s attempts to erase his false visions of pain and death were well on their way to making those visions a reality for Spencer.  He had to do something to cope with the betrayal, didn’t he? 

He _needed_ something to get him through the day. 

He did. 

Or maybe he was grasping at whatever straw he had to in order to justify what he was about to do.  Logic be damned.

So now here he was…sitting in front of the all too familiar house where he used to go to score dilaudid.  Anything to try and ease the pain of what his partner, his heart, had done to him.  

He knew, logically, that he should just leave Aaron and let him sort himself out, but he also had a very strong feeling that if he left Aaron would spiral even more.  He couldn’t do that to him, or to Jack. 

Jack.

Thank god for Jessica. 

She had started watching Jack more when it became evident that Aaron needed some time to work through the issues that arose out of the Mr. Scratch case.  She picked Jack up for school every morning and kept him after until either Aaron or Spencer could get off work.  She also kept him when the team had to leave on a case. 

He loved Jack like he was his own son.  They were a family, a happy one at one time, and Spencer would do whatever he could to get them back to that. 

With that thought, Spencer pocketed the cold, glass vial, started the car, and drove back toward a broken home that he was determined to fix. 

If he could get through to Aaron, show him that everything would be okay; he knew they’d be able to work through their issues. 

He just needed to get Aaron talking.

He just needed to scratch the surface.


	2. Tell Me It Doesn't Make It Better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not beta read. 
> 
> I don't own Criminal Minds or its characters.
> 
> I hope you enjoy, and please let me know what you think.

 

When Spencer arrived home he found Aaron in the kitchen with Jack.  They were fixing dinner together, Aaron showing Jack how to layer lasagna noodles with the meat, sauce, and cheese. 

It was so domestic. 

Spencer hadn’t expected to walk in on a scene that looked so normal.

That looked so happy.

He could feel the vial of dilaudid weighing down his pocket and he really wanted nothing more than to go into the bedroom and try to forget the last 24 hours.  He jumped when he felt a hand on his arm.

“Spencer?”  Aaron looked at him with concern. 

It kind of made him feel sick.

 

_Where was that concern last night?_

 

“What—“ he cleared his throat, “What’s going on?”  It was all Spencer could muster as a reply.

Jack ran up to the two men exclaiming excitedly, “Daddy’s showing me how to make la…lasannn…lasannna?” 

Chuckling, Aaron added, “Lasagna.  We wanted to surprise you with dinner.”

Spencer’s brow furrowed as he looked around the kitchen and saw the fruits of their labors: lasagna just about to go into the oven, a fresh salad tossed in a large bowl with cherry tomatoes, shredded carrots, red onions, and cucumbers, and a loaf of garlic bread.  It looked quite good, actually. 

It was sweet.

Aaron moved a little closer, placing a gentle kiss to Spencer’s forehead.  “Dinner will be another 30 minutes or so.  Why don’t you and Jack go to the living room and work on the puzzle you two started last week.”

That sounded ok. 

Turning, Spencer headed to the living room grabbing Jack’s hand along the way.  He stopped right before they entered the room ahead of them and looked back to Aaron.  “Thank you, for dinner.  It’s nice.”

Aaron smiled back at his son and his lover. “You’re welcome.”

 

* * *

 

After dinner, Aaron had Jack go to his room to play.  Spencer curled up on the couch with a mug of excessively sweetened coffee and a blanket Garcia had knitted for them as a house warming present three years ago when they moved in together.  Aaron sat on the chair across from the coffee table.

 

_How ironic._

 

Aaron cleared his throat as he began, his gaze focused on the table between them, “Spencer, I’ve been thinking about last night.  I know I wasn’t in my right mind—I’d had too much to drink…”  He paused for a moment in contemplation.  “That’s been happening a lot lately, and I want it to stop.  I don’t remember much of last night and that scares me.  I know I need help to work through my issues.”  He stopped again and shifted his eyes up to the doctor’s before continuing, “I want to blame Lewis for everything, but I can’t.  I need to own up to my actions.  I’ve decided to start seeing a therapist; the FBI will provide one.  I’ve already talked to Cruz and he’s set it up.”  He took in Spencer’s shocked expression.  “Can you please forgive me for how I’ve acted?  I know I don’t deserve it, but I need you by my side, Love.”

Spencer shuddered at the term of endearment. 

 

_Love._

_That’s what he called me last night._

_Right before…._

 

Spencer was feeling slightly confused.  Yes, Aaron had drank too much, and been withdrawn lately, and kept things bottled up inside.  Yes, Spencer was happy he was getting some help; but, did Aaron really just ask him if he’d forgive the other man for raping him?

“Spencer?” 

Aaron was looking at him like he’d zoned out again.

He hesitated for a moment and then, “Did anything else happen last night, Spencer?”

 

_Yes._

 

“No.”

He couldn’t tell him.  He was finally, _finally_ , making progress…wanting help.  He didn’t need to know.

 

_It’ll be ok._

_I’ll be ok._

_Yeah…right…._

 

* * *

 

Later that night after Jack was put to bed Aaron headed to their office to get some papers ready for the next day.  Spencer followed him to the threshold and gingerly placed a hand on his shoulder to stop him.

“I think I’ll just go take a bath and read a little until you’re ready for bed.”

As he turned to leave, Aaron halted him, pulling the younger man into a tender embrace.  “Thank you for not giving up on me, on us.”  He lifted the doctor’s chin slightly and placed a chaste kiss to his lips.  ‘I love yous’ were whispered and Aaron headed back to the office while Spencer walked toward the bath.

When he entered the bathroom and turned to the jetted tub in the corner, he was grateful that they’d splurged on that particular model when they bought the house.  He ran the water as hot as he could stand it and discarded his clothes to the dirty laundry hamper in the opposite corner.  After the tub was full he eased into the whirling bubbles, letting out a soft moan as the water began to soothe his aching body. 

His sore body.

Why was his body so sore….?

 

_Last night….._

_“Aaron, you’re drunk.”_

_He looked up into his lover’s eyes, usually so warm and inviting, and saw a cold, hard gaze staring back at him.  Those eyes were not Aaron.  Those eyes sent a chill down his spine._

_Hands moved up to grab his wrists as Spencer tried in vain to stop the older man from unbuttoning his pants._

_He’d already removed his belt._

_In an eerily calm tone, Aaron ordered, “Spencer, stop fighting.  You know this will do us both good.  I love you.  Just relax.”_

_The genius let out a tiny whimper as his lover moved both his wrists up above his head and held them firmly in place with his left hand.  He slid the other hand slowly back down the doctor’s body, relishing the feel of the soft, pale skin of his neck.  He lingered there, fluttering his fingertips over the doctor’s left collar bone before advancing down and scratching his nails across a nipple as his lips met Spencer’s in a crushing embrace.  Spencer gasped at the unwelcomed contact and Aaron shoved his tongue in to deepen the kiss as he moaned into his subordinate’s mouth.  He continued to advance his hand down over his taut abdomen and toward his pants as the boy’s body shuddered beneath him.  Gently he unfastened the button and dipped his hand underneath the waistband of his boxers._

_Spencer could feel Aaron’s arousal at his hip.  He began to truly panic.  He couldn’t believe Aaron was doing this.  He knew the other man wasn’t in his right mind…the alcohol, the stress…Aaron would never intentionally hurt him._

_He tried to get through to his lover one last time, pleading, “Aaron, stop!  This isn’t going to solve anything.  It’s not going to prove we’re alive…it’s just going to hurt us—“_

_Spencer’s breath hitched and he trembled with despair as he felt Aaron’s grip on his member tighten._

_He looked up at the man he loved through watery eyes as he cried out, “I don’t want this!  Please, Aaron….please don’t do this—“_

_Suddenly he was backhanded across the jaw, hard, jerking his head to the side and causing his temple to slam into the hardwood.  He screwed his eyes shut at the throbbing pain that was suddenly taking over his mind.   He felt Aaron let go of his wrists and lift him off the floor by his upper arms.  Then he was violently thrown back to the ground.  He saw stars as his skull ricocheted off the floorboards and felt a searing, white hot pain radiate from his head down through his shoulders and back._

_Spencer’s eyes fluttered open as he fought to remain conscious.  Softly, he murmured to anyone who could hear, “Help me….please,” as his breath shuddered in his chest._

_He was having a hard time focusing…._

_Aaron ran his fingers through the doctor’s hair, seizing the golden brown tresses firmly by the roots and pulling back, forcing his chin up and exposing his neck.  He heard Aaron whisper evenly in his ear, “You can’t stop this from happening, Spencer.  You’ll only hurt yourself more.  I love you, baby.  Can’t you see that?  This is how I know we’re alive.  This will be so much better for you if you just relax and let go, Love.”_

_And that’s exactly what Spencer did.  His eyes again fluttered closed as he fell into the soothing arms of unconsciousness….his lover’s words and lips at his ear._

_…………………._

Spencer lurched back into awareness as the reality of what happened the night before came crashing to the forefront of his memory.  The bath was getting cold and he needed to do something to take the edge off his tortured mind and aching body.

He slowly got out of the tub, dried off and dressed.  He chose a pair of flannel sleep pants and one of Aaron’s old FBI t-shirts—the kind that had been washed so many times that the fabric was unbelievably soft.  Then he opened up his sock drawer and picked out a perfectly mismatched pair.  That’s when he remembered that beautiful vial tucked away safe and secure in his pants in the laundry.  He longed for some semblance of that safety and security as well.  Quickly he turned back toward the bathroom.

He was glad he’d saved some packages of disposable needles and syringes. 

He didn’t know why he’d saved them….perhaps he didn’t want to know.

 

_I guess you really are always an addict…._

 

All he did know was that he _needed_ this, right now.  Maybe that was the addict in him; maybe it was his need to escape.  His need to escape this reality….the reality in which he, Dr. Spencer Reid, was now a victim of sexual assault.  The reality where the love of his life had raped him and didn’t even remember doing it!

 

_Fuck._

It was just too much.  He opened the needle and syringe, cleaned the rubber top of the vial with an alcohol pad, and pushed 1ml of air from the syringe into the vial.  Then he turned the bottle upside down, marveling at the sight of the liquid—his salvation, as he pulled 1ml of the drug back into the syringe.

1ml. 

4mg of dilaudid.

 

_That should do for now._

He grabbed the terry cloth belt from the bathrobe hanging on the back of the door and sat down, leaning against the side of the bathtub as he tied it tight around his upper right arm.  With another alcohol pad, he cleaned the skin over one of the veins in the crook of his elbow.  While the alcohol dried he inspected the faint scarring that was evidence of the previous hell he’d lived through.

Tobias, and the addiction the man had forced on him.

 

_“Tell me it doesn’t make it better.”_

 

He lifted the needle to his skin, bevel up.  He took one last shaky breath, inserted the tip, and depressed the plunger.

As he felt the sudden rush of euphoria and the creeping oblivion Spencer thought only one thing:

 

_This is my solace._


	3. Sand Castles

 

Days came and went. 

Aaron was doing exceptionally well emotionally, it seemed.  He had started seeing Dr. Caroline Gilbert twice a week for counseling sessions through the Bureau.  He was working through the emotions brought on by the visions and flashbacks due to the drugs Lewis had dosed him with. 

He made good on his vow to get rid of all the alcohol in the house. 

He was a loving and devoted father to Jack and a doting boyfriend to Spencer. 

He was trying. 

He was finally making an effort. 

He was succeeding.

Spencer was spiraling.

The doctor was putting on a good front.  He kept everything together for Aaron and Jack.  He had no idea how he kept up appearances and how Aaron, a seasoned profiler, hadn’t noticed anything off about him when he felt like he was falling apart at the seams.

He was thankful that the team had hit a slow patch in their caseload.  There was still plenty of paperwork to go around, but Spencer didn’t mind that.  It helped him to focus on something.  There was an occasional custodial interview, but Rossi or Callahan usually went to those.  There were no out of town trips.

He had become accustomed to shooting up right before he left for work.  Usually he’d only do 2mg to get through the day.  When he’d get home he would dose another 4mg and then again right before bed.  That was just enough to keep him feeling the high, keep the irritability in check, and keep the tremors away.

 

_Maybe that’s why Aaron hasn’t noticed anything._

 

It helped. 

He could deal if the memories were dulled.

He could look at Aaron and not feel his heart ache with the pain of brutal betrayal. 

Most of the time.

Maybe he was in denial.

 

* * *

 

 

“You wanna tell me what’s eating you, Kid?”

Morgan looked over toward the passenger seat of his truck at the young genius.  He’d been very quiet while the older agent drove him home per their Unit Chief’s request.

“I’ve just got some things on my mind, Morgan.  It’s fine.  Thanks for the ride.”

With a slight smile and nod at his friend, Spencer hopped out of the vehicle and started up the driveway.

He heard Morgan call out to him once more.

“You know you can call me anytime, Reid….if you need someone to talk to or something.  We could go out…grab a couple drinks?  Or, you know, see a movie if you need to.”

 

_A ‘movie’._

_That’s not happening anytime soon._

He turned back to the passenger’s side window, “I know.  Thanks again.”

“Any time, Pretty Boy.”

And with a thousand watt smile, Derek Morgan drove down the road heading back to the office.

As Spencer walked into the house he desperately needed a fix.  He could see the tremors beginning in his hands. 

It had been a stressful day. 

Aaron had been in a great mood.  He had been exceptionally affectionate.

Hence, the stress.

 

_Earlier today……_

_Aaron walked into the kitchenette area where Spencer was fixing his….sixth?  Yes, sixth cup of coffee for the day.  He had just dumped an obscene amount of sugar into the brew when he felt arms snake around his waist as his back was softly pressed up against his superior’s chest._

_He immediately tensed, his body trying to go into fight or flight mode.  They hadn’t been intimate since the night Aaron had gotten black out drunk…..if you could call what had happened intimate._

_Slowly, Aaron moved his hands from Spencer’s waist, lightly trailing his fingers up the sides of his arms to rest on either shoulder.  “I’ve missed you,” he murmured as he gently placed a kiss to the young doctor’s neck._

_Spencer tried to school his erratic breathing and calm his racing heart as he forced his body to relax under the touch._

_Aaron continued, “I was thinking we could see if Jessica would keep Jack tonight.  We could have some time alone; maybe stop at that Chinese place down the road, take it home and eat dinner in bed like we used to.”_

_That seemed like so long ago._

_Spencer subdued his nerves and attempted to keep his voice steady.  He turned in his lover’s arms and looked up to his face.  His features were soft and soothing.  His eyes were loving and warm as he watched the genius look him over._

_Those eyes, though._

_They looked warm now but all he could think about was that cold glare from the night he was attacked by the person he trusted the most._

_He dropped his focus back to the floor._

_“Um, actually Aaron, I’m not feeling that well.  I think I may just head home a little early.  Get some extra rest.  If that’s alright, of course.”_

_That was an acceptable excuse, right?_

_He’d only be leaving a couple hours early._

_He just needed to get out._

_Aaron moved a hand up to cup Spencer’s cheek and gave him a concerned look._

_“Of course it’s alright.  I’ll see if Morgan can drive you home.”_

_………………………._

 

Aaron really was trying, Spencer could see that.  His efforts were beginning to break through some of the high walls he had constructed in an attempt to protect himself.  It was slow, but Spencer could feel himself wanting to open back up and begin his own healing. 

However, healing takes time, and not all demons are vanquished so easily. 

With that thought, he proceeded to the bathroom with his vial in hand.

 

* * *

 

 

Two and a half hours later, Spencer was lying on the bed half asleep, half riding his high.

He heard his phone ring.  Groaning, he looked over to the clock on the bedside table.

6:20pm.

He fumbled to grasp the blaring device off the table and flipped it open, clearing his throat. 

“Reid.”

“Spencer, it’s me.  How are you feeling?”

“Um, fine.  Better.  I slept a bit.”  He looked back at the clock once more and rubbed his eyes.  “Shouldn’t you be home by now?”

Aaron let out a weary sigh, “Yeah, I wish I was.  There’s just too much paperwork that needs to get finished before the end of the day.  I was hoping you’d feel up to picking Jack up from Jessica’s for me.”

 

_Yeah, ok._

_I can do that._

_I’ll be fine._

_It’s been hours since the last time._

_My head’s clear._

“Um, yeah Aaron.  It’s no problem.  We’ll see you at home later.”

“Ok.  Tell Jack I’m sorry I couldn’t pick him up myself.”

Spencer smiled slightly, “Of course.  I’ll let him know his Daddy misses him.”  There was a playful tone in his voice as he teased.

Aaron let out a small chuckle and Spencer could picture the expression he was wearing on the other end of the line.

“I love you, Spencer.  See you soon.”

Spencer’s heart leapt at the words.  He’d heard them so many times, but lately they had felt hollow to his heart. 

He knew Aaron loved him. 

He knew Aaron was seeking help and getting better every day.

“I love you too, Aaron.”

His lips slowly curved upward as he hung up and prepared to leave for Jessica’s house.

 

* * *

 

 

He’d just pulled up at Jessica’s house to retrieve Jack and was walking up the driveway.  The boy noticed him arrive through the window in the front room and was out the door before Spencer could even knock.  Jessica was right behind him with his backpack and a permission slip in her hands.

“Hi, Spencer,” she smiled at him and handed over the bag and slip of paper, “Jack’s already done his homework and had a snack.”

He took the offered items from her, “Thank you so much for all your help, Jess.  We really appreciate it.”

“Oh it’s no problem!  You know I love spending time with him.  He reminds me so much of Haley….” she trailed off as her fingers gently brushed through the boy’s hair.

Jack tugged at Spencer’s shirt to gain the man’s attention, “We get to go to the museum next week, Papa!  Do you think you could go as a parent helper?  My teacher says they need some parents to help out.”  Excitement shone in the boy’s eyes as he looked up; a pleading look on his face.

Spencer eyed the slip of paper, reading it over at 20,000 words per minute.

“It looks like you’re going to the National Museum of Natural History.”  He leaned down to Jack’s level, “You know, Jack, that’s one of your Papa’s favorite museums.  If I can get your dad to let me off I’ll be there,” he said with a smile at the bouncing boy.

“You just leave Daddy to me, Papa.  I’ve got this.”

 

_Jack does know how to get what he wants out of Aaron._

 

With a laugh Spencer and Jack started toward the car.

Jack sat shotgun and they buckled up.

 

* * *

 

 

He felt a bit tired on the drive back to their home.

Everything was slightly fuzzy.

 

_Coffee is definitely in order when we get home._

_We can get dinner ready; keep some warm for Aaron when he arrives._

_Maybe go to the park after._

_Jack would like that._

_Ice cream after that?_

_I think we’ll be ok._

_It’ll be ok now that Aaron’s better._

“Papa.”

 

_If we’re not on a case this weekend maybe we can go on a small family trip…._

_The beach._

_Aaron loves the beach._

“Papa?”

 

_Two years ago……._

_The sun felt warm on Spencer’s skin as he lay on the beach towel under an umbrella, sunglasses shading his hazel eyes.  He was reading a book while Aaron and Jack threw a Frisbee back and forth along the water’s edge._

_Spencer savored the moment.  He closed his eyes and listened to the sounds of the beach: waves, seagulls, kids swimming, his family playing in front of him._

_He thought that if he believed in Heaven, this would most certainly be it._

_Suddenly he heard footsteps and Jack’s voice breaking through his meditation._

_“Papa, do you wanna come build a sand castle with us?”_

_Spencer looked up at the excited boy looming over him and smiled, “Of course, Jack.  I would love to.”_

_He placed the book down as Jack eagerly threw his hand out to help his Papa up off the towel._

_“Jack, did you know that there are yearly sand castle competitions held around the world?”_

_The child looked up as he shook his head, “Really?  That sounds like fun!  Can we do one sometime, Papa?”_

_“Well…,” he laughed, “the people who enter those are pretty competitive.  I don’t think we’d fit in,” Spencer added, “but maybe we can go watch one sometime.  The world’s tallest sand castle was built at the Sun Fun Festival in 2007 on Myrtle Beach, South Carolina by Team Sandtastic.  It was 49.55 feet tall, took the team ten days to assemble, and required 300 truckloads of sand.”_

_“Wow!” Jack’s eyes grew to saucers as he absorbed the information._

_He grabbed his Papa’s hand as they began to walk toward Aaron._

_“Hey Daddy, did you know that there are big contests to see who can build the best sand castle?”_

_Aaron’s eyes shifted up to gaze at his lover and his son, "I didn't know that, buddy,” he smiled._

_"Papa did!  He knows everything!"_

_“Well, statistically it’s impossible to know everything, Jack.  I do know a lot about sand castles, though.  For instance, did you know that grains of sand will always stick together unless the sand is reasonably fine?  While dry sand is loose, wet sand is adherent if the proper amounts of sand and water are used in the mixture.  The reason for this is that water forms little ‘bridges’, if you will, between the grains of sand when it is damp due to the forces of surface tension.  Furthermore—“_

_Aaron stood up then and whispered in Spencer's ear, "I love you, you know.  I love your rambling.  I love everything about you, Spencer."_

_Spencer felt his cheeks heat up and leaned into the older man._

_He placed a chaste kiss to the doctor’s lips before gesturing for them to sit.  Spencer turned to Jack and they all took up residence on the sandy beach as they began to construct their masterpiece._

_Spencer looked up and realized that this, right here, Aaron and Jack, were the family he’d always longed for but never thought he'd have._

_He knew, with perfect clarity….._

_He’d found his solace._

_………………………_

_Yeah, everything can still get back to the way it was before…._

"Papa!!"

Jack’s scream shook him out of his drug induced haze of daydreams and memories.  It was the last thing Spencer heard before everything went to hell. 

 

_CRASH!!!!_

Sounds of squealing tires, shattering glass and grinding metal filled the air. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Spencer's information on sand castles came from Wikipedia.


	4. When It's Bad News

He could hear people speaking, voices murmuring around his head, but he couldn't make out the words.  It sounded like he was underwater; but at the same time he felt like he was floating somewhere above himself.  His head felt heavy, but also like it was full of cotton.

"Sir?  Sir, can you hear me?" 

 

_Are they talking to me?_

"Sir, can you open your eyes?"

Slowly, Spencer tried to pull his eyelids open, just a sliver.  He was immediately assaulted by too bright lights that were invading overly dilated pupils.  He quickly clamped his eyelids shut again, hissing at the pain brought on by the action and clenching his teeth.

Too heavy.

His eyelids were too heavy.

He took a deep breath and attempted to open his eyes again, slower, just a crack.

All of a sudden, the sounds surrounding him came rushing forward and assailed him full on.  The volume was heightened exponentially and he crashed his lids shut once more in an effort to keep out the noises attacking his head.  His head was pounding, he couldn’t think straight.

 

_God, what’s happening?_

_Where are Aaron and Jack?_

_What happened…?_

 

After a few more moments of confusion, Spencer finally came to.

He attempted to open his eyes one final time.  This time he was successful in keeping them open, the lights seemed less intrusive.

He noticed paramedics and realized he wasn’t in the car anymore. 

 

_Was I in the car?_

 

He was lying on his back on a gurney surrounded by strangers.

His heart was frantically pounding in his chest and he felt like he couldn’t catch his breath.  It sounded like chaos around him.  "W-What h-happened?" His voice trembled.  It was hoarse and his throat was sore. 

A female paramedic answered him.  She had a kind face as she looked down at his.  Her eyes were warm brown and her face was framed by chocolate bangs and a pony tail.  Her voice remained steady and calm as she spoke, "You were in a car accident.  A truck hit the passenger’s side of your car.  Just lie back and try to relax.  We'll take care of you and get you to the hospital, ok?"

He gave a small nod in understanding. 

She smiled slightly, "My name’s Lexie.  Can you tell me your name, sir?"

He swallowed, licking his lips before he answered, "S-Spencer.  My n-name’s Spencer Reid."

"Ok, Spencer.  Is there anyone we can call for you?"

 

_Aaron._

“Wh-where’s Aaron…?” his voice trailed off from the sheer exhaustion of trying to speak.

“Was Aaron in the car with you, Spencer?”

He was so confused. “N-no…no?”

_Was Aaron in the car?_

_No…wait._

_Oh God....._

_Aaron called and asked me to pick up Jack._

_I need to pick up Jack…._

"Aaron H-Hotchner….he's my partner."  Spencer was beginning to feel drowsy, but he needed to let Aaron know he hadn’t picked Jack up.  "He needs to pick up our s-son.  Our son, Jack.  Please, let him know he needs to get Jack…." his voice broke as a sob wracked his body.

Lexie looked to her partner with a grim expression.  "Spencer, Honey, was Jack in the car with you?"

 

_Was Jack in the car?_

_No?_

_He wasn't._

_He had been alone in the car...hadn't he?_

_Oh no._

_No no no no._

_Jack wasn't with him._

_He wasn't..._

"Spencer, there was a boy in the front passenger’s seat.  About ten years old?  Is that Jack?" Lexie asked again. 

 

_Was he?_

_Did I pick him up?_

_Yes….I did pick him up._

_Oh god, we were going home._

_He was in the car!_

Spencer couldn't keep the tears from welling up in his eyes.  He couldn't see through the misty aura as he let out an anguished sob, "Yes.  Y-Yes…J-Jack was in the car.  Is h-he ok?  Pl-Please tell me he's ok." 

 

_Please!_

 

Lexie placed his hand in hers, gripping it firmly.  She spoke softly as she answered him, "Spencer, honey, he's on his way to the hospital already."

 

* * *

 

 

"So she says that I'm too high maintenance.  Can you believe it?" Rossi chuckled and turned to walk back to his office as Hotch's phone rang. 

Smirking at his friend’s comment, Aaron answered the call. 

"Hotchner.”

“Is this Aaron Hotchner?” a female voice asked.

“Yes.  May I ask who’s speaking?”

“This is Irene Hooper at Sentara Medical Center.  I have a Dr. Spencer Reid here.  He was involved in an automobile accident this evening.  He asked us to call you.”

Aaron’s breath caught in his throat at the woman’s words.  He placed a hand on his desk to steady himself.  “Is he ok?”

“He's pretty banged up, but he'll be ok,” she answered. 

There was something in her voice….he knew there was something she wasn’t saying.

 

_Where’s Jack?_

“My son was supposed to be with him.  Is Jack ok?”

Hearing those words, Dave walked back into the Unit Chief’s office, eying Hotch with a wary look.  He pulled out his cell and swiftly dialed Garcia. 

"Hola, my Sexy Silver Fox!  How may rock your world today?"

He rolled his eyes.  "Garcia, get a hold of JJ, Morgan and Callahan," Rossi murmured to the tech analyst, "then head over to the bull pen.  I think something might be up."

Garcia’s voice took a serious tone as she replied, "Yes, sir.  Right away.  Is everything ok?"

"I don't know."  He hung up and glanced back at Aaron.  He was still holding his phone to his ear. 

"Sir, we'd like you to come down to the hospital to be with Dr. Reid.  We can give you more information when you arrive.  Do you have someone who can drive you?"

Aaron didn't know what to think.  They told him how Spencer was over the phone.  Why not Jack?  What weren't they saying?  He tried to keep his composure. 

“Sir?  Are you still there?”

"Yes....um, yes,” he stammered, “I have someone.  I'll be there soon."

 

_This isn't happening._

_This can't be….it's not happening._

JJ walked into the office at that moment with some papers for Hotch to sign.  She immediately sensed something was wrong when she saw the usually stoic and reserved Unit Chief glance up at her with tear streaked cheeks and cloudy eyes. 

He looked distraught as his eyes met Rossi’s.

“Can you drive me to the hospital?  Jack and Spencer, they were in an accident.”

 

* * *

 

In a hail of rushing footfalls and thundering hearts, the entirety of the BAU, minus their resident genius, stormed the ER of Sentara Medical Center.  All six members were flashing their badges and demanding answers.

Rossi spoke for the group when they arrived at the admittance desk, “Spencer Reid and Jack Hotchner.  How are they?”

“Are you family?” the woman sitting at the desk inquired.

“Yes!” JJ and Rossi exclaimed in unison; they were not about to tolerate another discussion about only giving information out to family members.  This team _was_ family.

Aaron looked up and met the woman’s gaze.

“Jack, he's my son.  And Spencer's my partner.  Please, where are they?”

Recognition dawned on the woman, Irene, when she realized this man was the one she’d called for Dr. Reid.  She stood from her desk and shuffled them down the hall and into a private family waiting room.

"You can wait in here for the doctor," she began, "and there's coffee and snacks down the hall and to the right.  Feel free to help yourselves.  Is there anything else I can get for you?" 

"No, I think we'll be ok," Garcia answered in a soft, hesitant voice. 

"Ok.  Dr. Wilson is the doctor on call tonight.  He was here when they were brought in.  He should be by to talk with you shortly." With a sympathetic smile Irene walked back down the hall, leaving the frazzled FBI profilers in silence. 

The group looked around the room, taking in the surroundings.  There were two lamps on either side of a row of cushioned chairs.  The lamps were blanketing the room in a soft glow.  It was a stark contrast to the blaring fluorescent lights in the hallway.  A coffee table stood in the center of the room, several magazines littered its surface.  There was a TV mounted to a wall in the corner that showed a news broadcast on mute.  It appeared that the setting of the room was an attempt to calm any poor souls who were unfortunate enough to inhabit it. 

It wasn’t working.

Aaron sat down and took in the environment. 

 

_They only put you in these rooms when it's bad news._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been put in those kind of rooms before...and it sucks.
> 
> Sentara Medical Center is an actual hospital in the Quantico vicinity.


	5. It's Not Your Fault

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heed the tags.

"I'm gonna go grab some coffees and ring some necks for answers.  I'll be back." Rossi moved out of the door and down the hallway. 

JJ sat down next to Aaron, Kate on his other side.  They were like sentries guarding their fallen leader. 

Morgan placed a strong arm around Garcia as she allowed silent tears to stream down her face. They sank to their own chairs and sat in stunned silence as they waited. 

A few minutes passed and Rossi returned with coffees for everyone, but no answers. 

Ten minutes later a rugged looking man in his mid-fifties entered the room.  He had a short, stubbly beard and unruly brown hair, both of which were slightly graying.  His eyes were a piercing blue and he walked with a cane, which only seemed to accentuate his limp.  He was wearing blue jeans with a charcoal gray suit coat and a red Rolling Stones t-shirt.  There were sneakers on his feet.

Rossi gave him a once over while quirking an eyebrow.

The man looked down at the chart he was carrying, “Spencer Reid and Jack Hotchner?”

“Yes, that’s us,” Kate stated as the group crowded around him. 

“I'm Dr. Greg Wilson—“he started, but was interrupted by the anxious assembly.

"How are they? How's my son?" Aaron looked at the doctor as though the older man held his salvation in his hands; as if the doctor’s words would be the very thing that broke him completely or stitched him back together. 

With a sympathetic look Dr. Wilson began. 

“Spencer and Jack were broadsided this evening.  We're not sure of all the details at this time, but their vehicle was hit on the passenger’s side by a pick-up truck going through intersection.”  He paused for just a moment to glance down at his notes, and then continued, “Spencer sustained a mild concussion from the impact, which caused him to hit his head against the driver’s side door.  Also, he has some bruising to his chest and abdomen from the seatbelt he was wearing.  He'll be sore for a few days.  Overall, he was extremely lucky he wasn't hurt worse.”

Again, Dr. Wilson paused to allow the information to sink in and to skim his notes one last time.  With a deep breath, he resumed, “Jack was on the side impacted.  The collision caused the passenger’s side door to crumple inward, subsequently crushing his chest.  The impact fractured several ribs, which led to a punctured right lung.  The damage caused that lung to collapse.  He also incurred severe Internal bleeding due to lower rib fractures that lacerated his liver and kidney.  By the time he reached the ER there was nothing more we could do.”  The doctor looked to the six faces staring back at him in silent shock.  His eyes held a sincere sympathy as he added, “I'm so sorry for your loss.”

 

_Your loss?_

_Wait, what?_

_What did I lose....what just happened?_

Aaron fell.

His world dimmed, it was shattering around him.

His son.

Jack....

 

_Oh my god._

JJ led him to a seat and wiped tears from her own eyes as she took in the information.  All she could think about was Henry.  What if it had been Henry?  More tears welled up in her eyes as she tried desperately to keep them at bay.  She needed to stay strong for her boss. 

Rossi sat next to his friend, in silent disbelief at the doctor's proclamation.  He was at a loss for words, so he just placed an arm around Aaron's shoulder as the Unit Chief tried to keep his emotions from erupting with his devastation. 

Morgan clenched his fists in an effort to control his rage at the situation.  It didn't work.  A moment later his fist impacted with the door, causing a loud bang as it flew open and he retreated down the hall.  He needed some air. 

Garcia looked after him but was unable to move to follow; frozen in place by the emotional blow.  She eased back down to a waiting chair next to Kate, who sat in numbed reticence at the heartbreaking revelation. 

Dr. Wilson softly added, "When you're ready we can take you to see Spencer.  He should be released after a few hours of observation.  I can have a chaplain come speak to you now if you'd like."

Aaron sluggishly raised his head to look at the man who had just given him the worst news of his life.  He cleared his throat and stood up, his voice betrayed his grief.  "No, I don't need a chaplain.  I want to see Spencer, and I need to see my son."

 

* * *

 

 

Aaron entered the trauma room while Rossi stayed close enough for support if needed.  The space was dark, the lights low and curtains drawn.  There were various machines surrounding the bed.  They were all quiet; they had no work to do here.  It was a somber sight.  The room felt sequestered, secluded, remote….as if the rest of the hospital were miles away. 

It's still. 

Peaceful?

He walked toward the bed on quivering legs.  He could see the form underneath the pale blue sheet.  His breath hitched and his hand flew out to grab one of those slumbering machines to steady himself.

 

_Can I do this?_

_Do I want to do this?_

_Yes._

_Of course, a thousand times, yes._

He had to see his son. 

Jack needed his father. 

 

_He needs his daddy._

 

He stepped closer, the air thick with grief; the weight of it pressing on his shoulders.  He sunk down to the stool at the side of the bed and said a quick prayer….

To God....

To Haley....

To whoever would listen. 

 

_Please give me the strength to do this._

He pulled the sheet down. 

He fixed his gaze on the sleeping face of his son. 

He placed Jack’s tiny hand in his, drew it up to his face, and wept for his baby boy.

 

* * *

 

Garcia and Kate chose to stay in the waiting room while JJ and Morgan went to see Spencer.  Garcia was unsure whether she could keep strong for her babies, and Morgan had asked Kate to keep an eye on the tech analyst for him. 

JJ and Morgan quietly entered Spencer’s room.  He was lying on the bed, looking in the opposite direction of the door, out the window.  He didn’t move as JJ walked closer to his side.  Morgan stayed close to the door, keeping watch over his friend from the doorway. He knew what Reid needed right now.  He needed JJ; he needed the comfort she could give him. 

"Spence..." JJ whispered, not trusting her voice to speak any louder at the moment. 

He turned his head to look at her with those beautiful hazel eyes and it broke her heart with how much pain she saw in their depths.  His hair was matted with blood and glass fragments on the left side of his head.  His brow was furrowed in anguish and utter shock was written on his features.  She could just make out the top of a dark bruise forming over his left collar bone. 

"JJ?" 

A whimper. 

"What have I done?"

"Oh honey, come here.”  She sat on the edge of the bed and pulled him into a gentle but firm embrace.  It was a mother's embrace; a mother's comfort.  "This wasn't your fault.  Do you hear me?" 

He clutched onto her petit frame with a desperate urgency and held on as if his very life depended on the connection.  His slender form shuddered as his face crumpled in agony and his eyes screwed shut as violent sobs erupted from the depths of his soul.

She turned his head slightly and kissed his temple before repeating over and over....

"It's not your fault.  It's not your fault. "

 

* * *

 

Morgan pulled the shocked man into his arms for just a moment, "Hotch…man, anything you need.  You hear me?  Anything.  You just call.”  Aaron pulled away as his watery gaze wandered through the door frame and over to Spencer, who was being held up by JJ. 

His sobs had slowed to small whimpers, littered between shuddered breaths and sniffles.  He heard Morgan at the door and raised his head from JJ's shoulder.  His gaze met Aaron's and he saw the desolation in his chocolate eyes.

 

_Oh Aaron...._

 

Aaron was at his bedside in two strides.  JJ moved away and he took her place next to his lover. 

The only thing he had left in the world. 

He slowly sunk his head down to Spencer's chest to hear his heartbeat. 

That gentle thump.

That life affirming sound. 

He needed to know the younger man was still alive. 

He brought his arms around Spencer's torso and held on for dear life as he finally gave in to wrecking sobs that shook the very foundation of his being. 

Spencer sat there, one hand on Aaron's head and the other mindlessly rubbing his back. 

 

_Is this really happening?_

He felt numb. 

 

_How could I do this?_

 

A few tears escaped his swollen, blood shot eyes and trailed down his cheeks to land in Aaron's raven hued locks. 

 

_It's my fault._

_Jack’s gone because of me._

_Oh my god......_

_He’s not just gone._

_He's dead._

_Jack’s dead._

_No no no no......_

He was rocking back and forth slightly and looking vacantly out in front of him as he continued to hold Aaron’s head in his lap.

 

_I killed him._

_I killed our son._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry...
> 
> Dr. Wilson was based off of one of my favorite doctors. Any guesses who? ;)


	6. Of Moats and Manatees

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning...the last flashback in this chapter is a bit more explicit than the previous ones.
> 
> Heed the warnings.

The next four days were a whirlwind of emotions, decisions to be made, well-meaning visitors, casserole dishes, phone calls, flowers, cards....

All he wanted was for it all to stop.  He wanted everyone to go away.  He didn't deserve all the love and concern that was being showered on him. 

He was suffocating from the guilt. 

Aaron, he'd noticed, was doing surprisingly well.  He was taking care of Spencer since Spencer seemed incapable of taking care of himself.  He'd make sure the doctor ate.  He made sure he showered, and rested, and got dressed in something other than pajamas....it gave the older man a purpose; a reason to keep going.  Otherwise, Aaron would have given up by now.  If he didn't have Spencer to take care of, he had nothing else to do. 

Rossi helped a great deal with the funeral arrangements.  He insisted on paying for everything.  He also made as many of the decisions as he could on his own, just disturbing the two grieving men if there was something only they could decide.

Garcia baked.  Baking was how she dealt with tragedy.  It was how she kept busy instead of breaking and falling to pieces.  There were enough casseroles, cookies, cupcakes, and other treats to last a month. 

Morgan tried to get through to Reid.  He hated seeing his best friend give up.  He knew the genius was battling his own demons, and he also knew the younger man felt responsible for what happened.  He offered to take his friend to a 'movie’, but Reid had refused to leave the house.  He'd locked himself in the bathroom instead.  Morgan kept watch. 

JJ did whatever she could to help ease their day to day burdens.  She cleaned and did the laundry.  She cooked, or more specifically reheated, Garcia's many casseroles.  She held them when they needed a moment.  She was the mother. 

Kate was there for support as well.  She hadn't been a part of the team that long, but she felt connected to them.  She also knew all too well the pain of losing a loved one far too soon. 

Spencer knew they meant well, and he realized Aaron needed the support so he dealt with their hovering as best he could.  He locked himself in the bedroom, only coming out to eat or when Aaron made him step outside to ‘at least get some fresh air’.

At the time he wanted those four days to end.  He didn’t really think about what would mark the end of those days; however, when it finally dawned on him he wished he could have them back.  Those days were concluded with a funeral.

 

* * *

 

It was raining the day they put Jack down to lay at his mother’s side. 

The cemetery was beautiful…..all greens and bright splashes of color here and there from the many floral arrangements that surrounded the small cherry wood casket.  A sea of blacks and grays dotted the landscape as guests held up their umbrellas for shelter from the light drizzle.

The sky was all gray clouds.

The heavens were grieving.

 

_2 years ago......_

_They had just completed the finishing touches on the sand castle, and Spencer and Jack were working on digging a moat around the perimeter._

_"Papa, there needs to be water for the moat."_

_Jack looked up to his Papa, who in turn looked to Aaron with a smirk.  He tossed him a bucket and gestured over to the ocean._

_Aaron smiled, grabbed the container and moved away to retrieve precious moat water._

_The other two continued to dig around the castle._

_After a few minutes Spencer looked up wondering what was keeping his lover._

_Why would it take him so long to fill a bucket of water?_

_He suddenly noticed giggling coming from Jack’s direction.  He looked at the boy just in time to see him point and laugh with sparkling eyes, "Watch out, Papa!"_

_Splash!_

_A bucket full of saltwater came roaring down on Spencer's head as laughter erupted from Aaron and Jack._

_"Oh it's on now...." Spencer laughed as he tried to get up.  He was stopped by Aaron tackling him back down to the sand.  Moments later he felt Jack jump onto the pile with a gleeful squeal._

_..............._

The rain picked up, soaking Spencer as he stood at the freshly dug grave. 

Loose soil padded down, flowers bordering a small name plate with simple writing on its surface.....

 

Jack Roy Hotchner

October 7, 2005 - July 25, 2015

 

The headstone would be placed later. 

 

_Will I be here later?_

Aaron placed a hand on Spencer's shaking shoulder as he lifted an umbrella up to shelter them both.  He murmured gently to the doctor, "Come on, Love.  Let's go home."

 

_Is that my home anymore?_

_Is that solace gone?_

He was directed by Aaron’s hand on the small of his back to the waiting limousine and headed home. 

 

* * *

 

They arrived home fifteen minutes later.

If this was still their home…

 

_It doesn’t feel like it._

Spencer made his way to their bedroom to change out of his suit and back into pajamas, his clothing of choice recently.  He looked at his reflection in the mirror of the master bath.

Sunken cheeks.

Purple encircling hollowed out eyes; dull brown and devoid of the genius’ spark.

Pale skin.

Shaggy hair a mess from neglect.

 

_Is this living?_

 

After taking his suit jacket off Aaron entered the bathroom to witness Spencer’s scrutinizing glare at the mirror.  “It’ll be ok, eventually.”  He crossed his arms over the doctor’s chest and held on tight; pulling Spencer’s back flush with his chest.  “We just need to hold on to each other, Spencer.  I just need you to hold on.”

The younger man brought both his hands up to grip Aaron’s arms at his chest and nodded briefly. 

 

_I have to tell him._

_He needs to know it was my fault._

 

Aaron leaned his head down and kissed Spencer’s shoulder.  “I’ll heat up something for dinner.”

When the genius began to protest, the older agent shushed him, continuing, “You need to eat, Spencer.”

With that, Aaron took his leave, heading to the kitchen.

 

* * *

 

Thirty minutes later found Aaron back in the master bedroom searching for Spencer.  He’d heated up an early dinner of cheeseburger casserole and brownies a la Garcia.

“Spencer?  The food’s ready.”  But he didn’t see his lover in the bedroom or the bath.  There was an uneasiness invading his gut as he walked down the hallway toward the only other room on that side of the house.

Jack’s room.

The door was slightly ajar which told Aaron that his genius was in the room.  That door hadn’t been opened since….

He slowly nudged the door open and peered inside.  The scene he saw broke his heart.

Spencer was sitting on the floor leaning up against the side of Jack’s bed clutching a stuffed manatee he’d won the boy at a fair on the boardwalk two years ago.

 

_Two years ago…._

_“Get it, Papa, get it!  I know you can do it!” Jack exclaimed with glee as Spencer attempted to toss a ring onto the neck of a glass bottle._

_They had spent a lovely day at the beach and were now winding down with some games and junk food while enjoying the night life of the boardwalk._

_Aaron looked on in amazement at just how terrible Spencer was at this game.  He wasn’t too surprised, though.  His doctor wasn’t the most physically graceful at times.  He goaded, “Can’t you just calculate the angle and speed of the throw to give you the best chance at success?  You are a genius.”_

_“I’ll have you know I’ve done the calculations and it doesn’t help.  This thing has GOT to be rigged.”_

_Aaron smirked at him.  “Just remember, I only have $20 in cash on me…” he murmured in Spencer’s ear._

_“I’ve got money.  Jack NEEDS that manatee, Aaron.  I will not be defeated by a carnival game.”_

_With that, the doctor narrowed his eyes, bit his lower lip in concentration, and sent the little red ring flying towards the bottles with a flick of his wrist._

_At three tries per dollar, it only took $35 to win._

_……………_

Aaron moved to the still form on the floor.  He implored softly, “Love, what are you doing in here?  Please come out and eat.”

Spencer looked up, startled at the intrusion.  He hadn’t noticed the other man’s presence.  “I just needed to be close to him, Aaron.”

Aaron sat down next to him, putting an arm around him and kissing the top of his head as Spencer leaned on his shoulder. 

“Aaron, I have to tell you something.”

“Of course.  You can tell me anything, Spencer.  What’s wrong?”

Worrying his bottom lip, the genius raised his eyes to gaze into the face of the man he loved and confessed his sins.

“It’s my fault,” he murmured.

Aaron raised an eyebrow and looked at him with concern. “What are you talking about, Spencer?  What’s your fault?”  He took his hand and carded it through his lover’s tangled hair.

“Jack.  Aaron, it’s my fault he’s gone.”

“It was an accident, Love.”

“No, no it wasn’t!” He was getting angry now, angry that Aaron was being so gentle and loving when he didn’t deserve it.  He deserved to be punished.  “I was high….I…I shot up when I got home that day.  I’ve been using…d-dilaudid again.  I didn’t notice the red light, Aaron!  Oh god…I wasn’t paying attention to—“

Suddenly, the hand in Spencer’s hair tightened its grip, holding the genius’ head in place and halting his rambling. 

Aaron’s voice was low and dangerous, “What are you saying, Spencer?  Are you saying MY son is dead because you needed a fix!?” He grabbed Spencer’s arm with his other hand and yelled, “Why the hell would you do something like that, Reid!?” The anguish was evident in his voice.

“I-I needed t-to for-forget, Aaron….”

“What could you possibly have needed to forget so badly, huh, Reid?”  He was shaking the doctor as he spoke, trying to make sense of the situation and needing an outlet for his rage.

Spencer couldn’t take it anymore.  He revealed the secret he’d been hiding and trying to bury for too long, “That you raped me!”

He stared at Aaron with wide, terrified eyes when he realized what he’d just said out loud.

Aaron let go of Spencer, the shock of the statement taking his breath away.  “What? What are you talking about? I would never do that!”

Spencer shifted his eyes to the floor and forced the words out, “Um, that night…the night you don’t remember?  The n-night you blacked out.”

Suddenly realization washed over Aaron’s features as Spencer’s words triggered his memories of that night…

 

_He looked down at his lover and savored the sight of his lithe form.  He was thrusting his hips, pushing his length slowly in and slowly out of the doctor’s body as he writhed on the floor._

_Shuddering breaths….quivering….._

_Spencer’s eyes fluttered open for a moment and his breath hitched._

_His beautiful, hazel orbs traveled up to meet Aaron’s for just an instant._

_His brow furrowed and his face crumpled as he slowly closed his eyes again._

_Tears escaped down his pale cheeks._

_Was Spencer crying?_

_Aaron’s pace quickened as he plunged his cock deep into his lover’s depths.  He heard a faint moan from the body beneath him.  He looked down to see Spencer shaking, his face covered in a thin sheen of sweat, his eyes closed, and his breathing erratic.  He was gorgeous, and beautiful, and erotic.  He was alive.  Aaron couldn’t hold on any longer.   With one last driving thrust of his hips he released his seed deep into his lover, biting down on Spencer’s collar bone as he rode out his climax._

_Panting heavily, he placed a hand on the genius’ cheek, wiping away some of the moisture that had seeped from his eyes as he murmured, “Don’t cry, my Love.  We needed this....you needed this, Spencer.  Everything will be alright, now.  We’re alive.”  He placed a tender kiss to the doctor’s lips._

_“Aaron?” Spencer spoke in a whisper the older man could barely hear.  “Aaron, please…..”_

_Aaron gently pulled his softened member from Spencer’s trembling form.  “I love you so much.”_

_He rose and moved to the bathroom to clean up as Spencer rolled off his back and onto his side, pulling his knees up and curling in on himself._

_There, in the middle of the living room floor, Spencer quietly sobbed._

_……………….._

He remembered everything about that night. 

He remembered taking Spencer.

 

_“Aaron, wh-what are you doing?”_

 

He remembered forcing himself on the younger man.

He remembered hearing his cries of protest.

 

_“Aaron, stop!”_

_“I don’t want this!  Please Aaron….please don’t do this….”_

He remembered hitting him, and shoving him down to the floor.

 

_“Spencer, stop fighting.”_

He remembered raping the love of his life.

“I have to get out of here.”  Aaron stood abruptly and rushed out of his lost son’s room, leaving Spencer on the floor clutching a stuffed manatee and silently imploding.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't find Jack's middle name anywhere, so I used Haley's Dad's name, Roy.


	7. Couldn't Let You Do This Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, HEED the tags. This could be triggery for some people.  
> It was the hardest chapter to write...

_How long has it been?_

_When did Aaron leave?_

Spencer had been sitting on the floor of Jack’s room for what seemed like hours wondering what he was going to do now.  His lover had walked out on him after remembering how he’d raped him, and his son was dead.  He was alone in a house that was suffocating him with memories. 

 

_I just need to forget._

_I just need to stop this damn ache in my soul._

_I know how to do that._

He gingerly stood up, his body stiff from immobility.  He was still clutching the manatee in his trembling arms, clinging to it like a lifeline.  It was Jack’s.  Jack loved that manatee. 

 

_“Jack NEEDS that manatee, Aaron.  I will not be defeated by a carnival game.”_

 

He hugged the toy a little tighter as a sob escaped his throat. 

 

_God, I can’t do this anymore!_

 

He slowly walked back to the master bath.  When he entered the room he glanced at the mirror.  He hardly recognized his reflection.  There was nothing there anymore.  He felt like he was walking around but he was empty inside; like he didn’t have a reason to be _here_ anymore.

Spencer reached up onto the very top shelf of the medicine cabinet above the toilet and felt around until his fingers hit the glass vial he’d hidden away.  He took the bottle containing that cool liquid…his deliverance, his escape….into his hand and brought it down to stare at it.  Such a tiny thing, but it could do so much. 

 

_It can change reality._

He sat down with his back leaning against the tub while he continued to stare at the liquid.

 

_I can do this._

He drew up 4mg into the syringe. 

 

_Is that enough?_

_No…I know that’s not enough._

_“Tell me it doesn’t make it better.”_

 

Suddenly, he knew he needed more.  He didn’t care how much; he just knew he needed more.  He pulled the plunger out as far as it would go, filling the syringe to capacity.

He tied the terry cloth belt around his arm one last time and placed the needle to his skin.

 

_This is ok._

_Everything is going to be ok now._

_I need it to be ok now._

_I’m so tired…._

 

He allowed himself one last thought of Aaron.

 

_"I love you, you know.  I love your rambling.  I love everything about you, Spencer."_

 

“I love you too, Aaron….” he breathed.  “I’m so sorry, Love.  I just c-can’t—“ a strangled sob escaped his throat.  He looked at the syringe in his hands.  His voice was wet with grief and his throat was tight as he finished his goodbye to the empty room.  “I just can’t do this anymore.  Please….please forgive me, Aaron,” he choked.

He inserted the needle into his vein and depressed the plunger, flooding his system with chemicals and rushing sweet ecstasy to his brain.

 

_A soft breeze hits his face._

 

He gradually slumped down to the floor.

 

_He hears a boy’s laughter._

 

His eyes closed as his head gently landed on the tile.

 

_“Papa!  You came!”_

_Jack._

_“Of course I came, buddy.  I couldn’t let you do this alone.”_

His mind shut down as he found the exodus he’d been yearning for….

 

_They walk hand in hand, Papa and son, over to the pile of sand to begin building their castle._

 …..and he drifted off into oblivion.

 

* * *

 

He’d been driving for three hours.  He had no particular destination in mind, he just knew he’d needed to get out of that house and clear his head.

Spencer was using again.

Spencer was hurting.

He’d hurt Spencer.

Spencer was using because he had hurt him.

No….he hadn’t just hurt him, he’d fucking RAPED him.

This wasn’t Spencer’s fault.

 

_This is all my fault!_

_How did I let this get so out of control?_

He’d been gone long enough.  He should have never left Spencer alone like that to begin with, after everything.  He knew now what his lover had been battling against and he’d abandoned him in that house to fight off the memories alone.

Those memories that would rip at your heart, and shred your spirit like shards of broken glass.

He needed to get back there, back to his Heart, back to Spencer.

 

* * *

 

When he walked into the house, the lights were out.  That in itself was odd, since Spencer didn’t care for the dark.

That was his first clue that something wasn’t right.

He walked farther into the living room, calling out.  “Spencer?  Love, where are you?”

Silence.

That was his second clue.

He walked back toward their bedroom, passing by Jack’s room and peeking in.  It was vacant.

When he entered the bedroom he was assaulted with more darkness, but he saw faint light flooding through the crack at the bottom of the door to the master bathroom.

Lightly, he knocked at the door, “Spencer, it’s me.  I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t have left the way I did.  Can I please come in?”

Nothing.

Third clue.

“Spencer?” Panic was starting to settle down in his belly; icy tendrils invading his gut.

When he still got no reply, Aaron tried the knob.  The door opened with a slight creak.  He stepped in and was greeted with a scene out of his worst nightmare.

Spencer, his Love, his Heart, the only thing he had left in this world, was lying on his side, motionless on the cold floor.  His face was partly covered by long, brown hair leaving only his chin and lips visible from the angle he was at.  A belt was tightly encircling his upper right arm.  An empty syringe was on the floor in front of him.  There was no visible movement.  Spencer was still, he was quiet, he was pale….

A stuffed manatee was keeping watch.

 

_Oh god, oh god!_

He immediately fell to his knees at the doctor’s side. 

 

_No no no no!!!_

Shaky fingers reached out to touch Spencer’s neck, praying, praying, for a flutter underneath.

 

_Please, don’t let this be happening!_

_I can’t do this again._

His fingers landed on their target, above the carotid artery, but he knew.  He knew without having to feel anything else.

Cold.

Spencer was too cold.

He was too still.

He was too quiet.

Tears fell freely from his eyes like a dam had been broken.  His face crumpled in anguish as he screamed his agony into the silence.  His body shook uncontrollably and he felt like he was going to have a heart attack.

“Spencer!!” he sobbed out, looking at the form in front of him.  “Honey….” he leaned down to lay his forehead on Spencer’s temple, “Baby…why?  Why did you do this!?”  Tears fell to Spencer’s hair as he wept.  He moved the golden brown locks from his sleeping face and pulled his love into his arms.  Spencer’s body lay limp and cold in his grasp as he rocked back and forth trying to soothe a soul that was no longer there.  “Why did you leave me….?”

 

_There was still so much life left to live…._

_How did this happen?_

_God, how did this fucking happen!?!_

_Spencer!!!!_

 

* * *

 

Rossi found him. 

He’d stopped by to check on the two men after the funeral.

He knew something was wrong when he walked up to the front door and found it open, the house dark and quiet inside.

He pulled his side arm and proceeded to enter. 

He cleared each room as he searched for Aaron and Spencer.  They were all empty until he reached the last rooms to be searched, the master bedroom and bathroom.

The bedroom was cleared, and Rossi noted a light on in the bathroom and the door partly open.

He stepped into the room, past the door and looked down to see Aaron sitting in the middle of the floor, his back facing the senior profiler.  It appeared that he was holding Reid and rocking back and forth slightly.

He holstered his gun. 

He tried to keep the panic from his voice as he asked, "Aaron, what’s going on?" 

Nothing. 

He leaned down next to his friend and examined his face.  That’s when he realized, to his horror, that Aaron wasn’t cognizant of his presence.  He was just staring unseeingly into the distance.

He tried again, softer, as he placed a hand to Aaron's shoulder, "Aaron, you need to talk to me.  Tell me what happened to Spencer."  With that, the senior profiler looked down to gaze upon the unmoving form lying in Aaron's arms.

 

_He's too pale._

_He’s too still._

_He's not here anymore._

Rossi looked back up to his broken friend and realized Aaron wasn’t there anymore, either. 

“Aaron…” he breathed.

Rossi looked around. 

He saw the vial and syringe lying on the floor.

 

_Good god….this can’t be happening._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What the hell did I just do? I love Reid...I really do. :(


	8. His Solace

Calls were made. 

First for an ambulance. 

Then the medical examiner. 

The team…..

The paramedics arrived six minutes after the call came in, followed shortly by the ME. 

Aaron still hadn't moved from his position on the floor, cradling his lover in a protective embrace. 

Rossi pulled one of the medics to the side to explain the situation.  He was a young man in his mid-twenties with short, sandy blonde hair and concerned blue eyes.  His name badge read _Matt_. 

After speaking with Rossi, Matt entered the bathroom and slowly kneeled in front of Aaron. 

He took in the sight before him. 

The man looked completely oblivious to his surroundings as he clung to the body lying between them.  Matt shifted his focus down to the one he held in his arms. 

 

_God, he looks so young._

He observed the young doctor's face, eyes closed and features relaxed.  He might have thought he was only sleeping if it weren't for the complete and utter lack of movement and the unmistakable pallor of death that was slowly creeping into the young man’s visage.

Matt placed his hands lightly on Aaron’s upper arms and spoke gently to him, "Aaron, can you let Spencer go?"

Aaron showed no comprehension that the younger man had asked him a question.  He just continued to clutch Spencer's body in his lap, sporadic tears falling from his unfocused eyes. 

The other paramedic, Rowena, a thirty-something red headed woman with green eyes and a heavy Scottish accent, entered the bathroom to help try and coax the unresponsive man back to consciousness. 

They needed to move the body. 

Aaron needed medical attention. 

"Sir, we need to get you to the hospital," she began, "There's some people here to take care of Spencer."  She looked over to the younger medic when she received no response and shook her head slightly. 

Matt continued after her, "Aaron, can you please let them take Spencer?"

There was still no reaction.

They finally gave up trying to get the grieving man to respond.  Spencer needed to be taken to the ME's office and Aaron needed to be seen by a doctor. 

Delicately, they lifted the young doctor out of his lover's arms; and those arms fell limply to Aaron’s sides as he continued to stare blindly straight ahead. 

Spencer's body was moved out of the room and both paramedics helped lift Aaron up off the bathroom floor and out to a waiting gurney.  He walked where he was directed, pliantly and obediently.  They raised the gurney into the back of the ambulance and headed to Sentara Medical Center, lights and sirens fading into the distance. 

 

* * *

 

The rest of the team met Rossi at the hospital. 

They'd already heard of Reid's fate and Rossi had explained Aaron’s current condition to them. 

Garcia had streaks of black eyeliner trailing down her cheeks as Morgan hugged her tightly in his arms.  She couldn't believe they were back here again, grieving the loss of another member of their family and waiting to see the fate of one more. 

Morgan looked like he could fall apart at any moment.  He clung to the hope that his Unit Chief would snap out of whatever trap his mind had placed him in.  He needed to hear some good news after being informed of his best friend's death.  His Pretty Boy was gone and he couldn't fathom that reality.  He had no idea what a world without Spencer Reid would look like, and he didn't want to find out.  

What he wanted to do was punch something. 

Instead, he held on to Garcia a little tighter. 

JJ's eyes were red-rimmed and swollen as she tried to hold back more sobs.  Will held her tight in one arm while cradling Henry’s head at his side in the other as they mourned the loss of their son's godfather. 

The young boy looked up at his parents.  His eyes held an air of confusion. "Mommy, where's Uncle Spence?"  

JJ's face fell at her son's innocent question.  She shed more tears as she buried her face into Will’s chest.  Will held his family tighter and closed his eyes in a desperate attempt to stop his own tears that were threatening to escape. 

Kate bent down to Henry and spoke, "You know, buddy, I think they've got some ice cream in the cafeteria.  You wanna go see if we can find some?" She looked to Will for permission and with a nod he let Henry go and brought his free hand up to stroke JJ's hair. 

As the pair started down the hallway in search of frozen treats the rest of the group sat down and prepared for another waiting room vigil. 

 

* * *

 

An hour and a half later, Dr. Wilson walked into the waiting room, his trusty cane at his side.  He was the ER physician on call again that night. 

"Aaron Hotchner?"

They all stood up and walked over to the doctor who, only a few days ago had told them another family member had been lost.

"How is he, Doc?" Rossi. 

With a tired sigh, Dr. Wilson began, "Well, at this time Mr. Hotchner appears to be in a catatonic state.  He's not reacting to any external stimuli and is not making eye contact with any personnel.  I believe his condition was brought on by PTSD after finding Dr. Reid.  He was already in a psychologically vulnerable state of mind and I'm afraid this pushed him over the edge and he fell into a stupor."

Morgan looked up, "What can we do for him?"

The doctor continued, "We can try to treat his symptoms with benzodiazepines.  I'll start him on a low dose of lorazepam to begin with.  He will be admitted to the psychiatric floor for the time being."

Rossi continued the questioning, "Will the meds work, Doctor?  Will he wake up soon?"

"We'll have to wait and see, I'm afraid.  The medication usually results in a marked improvement, but if it doesn't then there are other options we can try.  There's ECT, or electroconvulsive therapy, and antipsychotics.  They are, however, a bit riskier and therefore we'd like to try the lorazepam first."

Rossi moved a step closer and somberly held out his hand to Dr. Wilson. "Thank you, doctor.  Can we see him?"

The doctor shook the agent’s hand while gesturing to the group, "Of course.  We're still waiting on a room for him up on the psychiatric unit, but you can see him for a few minutes."

 

* * *

 

They all piled into their Unit Chief’s hospital room and gaped at the sight before them. 

Aaron was lying supine on the bed, his arms resting at his sides.  There was an IV line running from the pole down into the back of his right hand.  His eyes stared up toward the ceiling, as though he were in a trance.  He made no movements or noises when the members of his team spoke to him.  There was no indication that the stoic man knew they were there at all. 

His body was there, lying utterly still except for the slight rise and fall of his chest and the occasional drop of water that would fall from the corner of his eye and down his temple.  But for all intents and purposes, SSA Aaron Hotchner was not there at all. 

 

* * *

 

"Aaron." 

He looks over and sees Spencer lounging on a beach towel smiling at him. 

That radiant smile.

It's perhaps most gorgeous sight he's ever seen; his doctor, his beloved, his genius staring back at him. 

The light is glistening off his wispy brunette locks, creating a prism of crimson, caramel, and chocolate hues that gleam and dance with one another as the breeze lightly whips the strands around the genius’ face. 

The sun is warm on Aaron’s body and the smell of the ocean prominent.  The sounds of seagulls, waves, and kids laughing fill the background. 

It's peaceful. 

It’s absolutely fucking perfect.

"Where were you just now?  You zoned out on us."  Spencer looks over to where Jack is working on the sand castle, then returns his gaze to the man he loves.  He quirks an eyebrow and smirks as he waits for Aaron to respond. 

"Hmm?  I don't know.  I guess I was just enjoying the moment."

"Well.....don't zone out on me again, Love.  I've got plans for you later...." Spencer purrs mischievously into his ear as he leans in closer and places a gentle kiss to his lover's neck.  He trails light kisses up the older man’s jawline until he reaches his lips. 

It seems like it’s been so long….

Aaron moans at the contact. 

As his mouth opens, Spencer deepens the kiss, caressing his superior’s tongue with his own.  It’s fevered, and passionate, and wanting. 

There’s a promise of more to come later. 

Slowly Spencer pulls away and lays his head down on Aaron's chest, his wavy brown locks falling into a halo around him.  Aaron cards his fingers through the silken strands and savors the moment. 

Jack yells from the beach in front of them, "Papa, can you help me with the rest of the sand?"

"I'm being summoned, Aaron....." Spencer murmurs.  He lazily sits up and looks down at the older man.  "You rest.  We'll be here when you wake up."

With that, Spencer stands, turns and runs to Jack. 

Aaron looks to his son and his lover as they put the finishing touches on the sand castle. 

That's when he knows, with perfect clarity.....

He's found his solace. 

 

**_“I remained too much inside my head, and ended up losing my mind.”_ **

**_-Edgar Allen Poe_ **

 

Fin

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, there it is. I hope the ending was ok. It's a somewhat happy ending, in a way...
> 
> Please, I would love to know your final thoughts.


End file.
